Dr. John Gottman once said that one of the first things to go in a marriage is politeness

Marriage is a journey filled with love, challenges, and growth. But sometimes, the small things that keep a relationship healthy start to fade away. Dr. John Gottman, a well-known relationship expert, pointed out that one of the first things to disappear in a marriage is politeness. This simple act of kindness and respect can quietly slip away, causing bigger problems down the road.

In this post, I want to explore why politeness matters so much in marriage, what happens when it fades, and how couples can bring it back. Along the way, I’ll share some practical tools and examples, including how services like JD Williams Marriage and Life Coaching Atlanta can help couples rebuild politeness and respect in their relationships.

Why politeness matters in marriage

Politeness is more than just saying “please” and “thank you.” It’s about showing respect, kindness, and care in everyday interactions. When couples are polite to each other, they create a positive atmosphere where both feel valued and safe.

Think about the small moments: holding the door, listening without interrupting, or simply asking how the other’s day went. These actions build trust and connection. Politeness helps couples avoid unnecessary fights and misunderstandings.

When politeness fades, communication can become harsh or cold. Partners might start to take each other for granted or speak in ways that hurt feelings. This can lead to resentment and distance.

How politeness fades and what it means for your relationship

It’s easy to see how politeness can disappear over time. Life gets busy, stress builds, and couples may stop paying attention to the little things. Sometimes, after years together, people assume their partner knows how they feel and stop showing it through polite behavior.

When politeness goes, it often leads to:

• Increased arguments: Small issues can turn into big fights because respect is missing.

• Emotional distance: Partners may feel less connected and more alone.

• Lower relationship satisfaction: Without kindness, love can feel less warm and supportive.

Dr. Gottman’s research shows that couples who maintain politeness and respect have a much better chance of staying together happily. It’s a key part of what he calls the “magic ratio” — five positive interactions for every negative one.

A couple enjoys a cozy winter walk, sipping warm drinks on a charming cobblestone street lined with festive lights.

Practical ways to bring politeness back into your marriage

If politeness has faded in your relationship, don’t worry. It’s possible to bring it back with some simple steps and a little effort. Here are some ideas that can help:

1. Start with small gestures

Begin by noticing the little things you can do to show respect and kindness. Say “thank you” when your partner does something nice. Hold the door open. Smile more often. These small actions can rebuild warmth.

2. Use positive language

Try to speak in ways that encourage and support your partner. Avoid sarcasm, criticism, or harsh words. Instead, focus on what you appreciate and what you want to see more of.

3. Practice active listening

When your partner talks, really listen. Show that you care by nodding, asking questions, and not interrupting. This shows respect and helps avoid misunderstandings.

4. Set aside time for connection

Busy schedules can make politeness slip away. Set regular times to check in with each other without distractions. This can be a daily chat over coffee or a weekly date night.

5. Seek professional support if needed

Sometimes, couples need extra help to rebuild politeness and respect. Services like JD Williams Marriage and Life Coaching Atlanta offer expert guidance and practical tools. They help couples understand each other better and create stronger, more polite communication habits.

How coaching can support politeness and respect

Marriage coaching focuses on improving communication, understanding, and connection. A coach can help couples:

• Identify patterns that hurt politeness

• Learn new ways to express respect and kindness

• Build habits that support a positive relationship

• Navigate conflicts without losing respect

For example, JD Williams Marriage and Life Coaching Atlanta offers personalized sessions that guide couples through these steps. They provide tools to help couples listen better, speak kindly, and rebuild the politeness that keeps love alive.

Close-up view of a notebook with relationship goals and polite communication tips

Real-life examples of politeness making a difference

I’ve seen many couples transform their relationships by focusing on politeness. One couple I worked with had stopped saying “please” and “thank you” years ago. They often snapped at each other over small things. After working on simple polite habits, they noticed a big change.

They started greeting each other warmly in the morning and thanking each other for daily tasks. Their arguments became less frequent and less intense. They felt closer and more appreciated.

Another couple used coaching to learn how to listen without interrupting. This helped them avoid misunderstandings and show respect even during disagreements.

These examples show that politeness is not just about manners. It’s about creating a safe, loving space where both partners feel valued.

Tips to keep politeness alive every day

Keeping politeness alive takes ongoing effort. Here are some tips to help:

• Check in daily: Ask your partner how they feel and listen carefully.

• Express gratitude: Regularly say what you appreciate about each other.

• Avoid blame: Focus on your feelings instead of accusing.

• Use “I” statements: Say “I feel” instead of “You always.”

• Take breaks during fights: Step away if things get heated and return calmly.

Remember, politeness is a habit. The more you practice, the more natural it becomes.

A couple shares a joyful moment, bathed in the warm glow of the setting sun, radiating happiness and connection.

Politeness is a simple but powerful way to keep a marriage strong. When it fades, relationships can suffer. But with attention and care, couples can bring it back and enjoy deeper connection and respect.

If you want to strengthen your relationship, consider exploring coaching options like JD Williams Marriage and Life Coaching Atlanta. They offer support that helps couples build lasting politeness and love.

Remember, every kind word and gentle action counts. Start today, and watch your marriage grow stronger with each polite moment.